Desperate Housewives “If It’s Only In Your Head”
Air Date: May 17, 2009
Liveblog/recap

I’m SUPER excited for tonight’s show. There’s so much going on. M.J. might get killed. Orson’s threatening Bree. Some hot girl is moving in with Carlos and Gaby. Neighbor Peggy’s back to watch the finale, and Friend Erin — who really couldn’t have cared less about the show a few months ago — is here watching, without any persuasion from me. Just doin’ my job and creating new fans every day. (On that note, I hear from my mother that my sister watches every week, too, even though she’d never admit it to me herself.) I have nothing to hide. I love “Desperate Housewives.” More than I love the show itself, I love the season premieres and finales. So quit yer jabberin’, and watch the show, Amy!

9:01: “The thing you have to understand about Dave Evans…” YES. We’re wating no time. We start with Crazy Dave, and we start with him video taping himself. “I didn’t want to kill M.J. Delfino. I had to.” Erin isn’t understanding why I think Crazy Dave is good-looking. I obviously can’t explain why. He just is.
9:02: Are we going to get a lot of M.J. in this episode? It seems likely. He’s a cute kid, I just hope he doesn’t talk/try to acft much! Yeah, yeah. Peggy’s right about him “being like 4 or something.” NO EXCUSE. Dakota Fanning has been a fantastic little actress since she was in the womb. Jus’ sayin’.
9:04: Finally. We’re seeing what happened to the doctor. It’s about time? I just don’t get how we’re supposed to buy that everyone on the show is so dense to have no brought this up earlier?
9:05: Lily Tomlin’s name just flew across the screen in the credits!!! I’m calling it right now: The Old Lady P.I.s are going to crack the entire case.
9:06: This is the FIRST time that Susan’s raising her eyebrows about Dave’s craziness. Again: Why is it fiiiiinally happening NOW?
9:07: So I heard Crazy Dave say “It’s fine, I’m just trippin’.” But he really just said “It’s fine, it’s just a trip.” I like my version better.
9:09: I wonder how much longer Gaby can keep responding to Juanita’s questions with a “because, that’s what grownups do.”
9:10: “Spend some time at the intersection of right leg and left leg?” — Karl. This is why I love him. Did I need a reason? Can we rename this show “Desperate Househusbands.” Please? They’re all soooo much more desperate than the wives. Tom? Orson? DAVE? Hellooooooo, desperation!

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Desperate Housewives “Marry Me a Little”
Air Date: May 10, 2009
Liveblog/recap

I may or may not have tricked Neighbor Peggy away from grading papers by saying that tonight was the season finale. At the last minute, I set the record straight, but it was too late. She was already in my apartment. On we go with the show! (Did that rhyme? …nevermind, DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES IS STARTING!)

9:01: First thought: Isn’t that an awful lot of scotch that Bree just poured for Karl?
9:02: I’m totally loving this Dick Tracy-like meeting between the two of them. Did Karl just call Bree “Freckles”?? Are we watching “Lost,” or “Desperate Housewives”?
9:03: Karl’s painting this horrible fantasy to Bree about a 20-something replacing her. I love that he knows just what to do to press the buttons of EVERY woman on this show. I love Karl. I’m just going to say it. I don’t love him as a human, of course, but as a character? Can’t get enough
9:04: Is…uh….is Crazy Dave’s collar popped??
9:06: Juanita’s really working the “I can be just as bratty as mommy” angle, isn’t she? She has also become a pretty good little actress this season, though.
9:08: So we’re still seeing The Return of Jackson: the Unlikable Version. Like reader Jamie pointed it, this probably means that he’s an expendable character.
9:09: Lynette and Tom are talking about Twitter. Is this “Desperate Housewives’” attempt to be with it and cool with what all the kids are up to these days? And Tom’s going on about how he went into an interview and was 10 years older than everyone else. This is EXACTLY what happened when Lynette tried to go back to work. Why are we reusing all these story lines? (Susan was faked-married to Karl to get health insurance, too, remember?)

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SEMI-SPOILER ALERT!

The cast of “Desperate Housewives” was caught filming at Hollywood Presbyterian Church last week. We can assume that a church = wedding, yes?

From the looks of it, Mike and Orson are the only two men who are super well-dressed. Also safe to assume that Orson’s not going to get married. Jackson’s no where in sight, and neither are Susan or Katherine. So essentially, these photos don’t help up as at all in figuring out who’s getting married. Tom looks adorable in the sneaks, though, and Tony Parker came to visit his wife on the set! All together now: Aaaaawwwwww!

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Karl and Bree robbing Bree’s house? Too good to be true! You’ve got the misogynistic beast and the frigid beauty. It’s like a Disney movie…sorta. There’s more botox/boobs jobs and fewer songs sung by Angela Landsbury in this version, though.

“Speaking of which, are you nailing Orson like we discussed? We have to make sure he doesn’t suspect anything.” — Karl.

Why did I half expect Bree to jump Karl?

Keep reading for more spoilers!

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Desperate Housewives ‘Bargaining’
Air Date: May 21, 2009
Liveblog/recap

OK, so tonight’s the night that Gale Harold/Jackson makes his triumphant return to Wisteria Lane. We know from the previews on last week’s episode that he’s going to propose, and I’m guessing it’ll be a no from Susan? Or not, who knows. Anyway, Neighbor Peggy has bailed aGAIN for DH Night, so I’m with Friend Erin (who, oddly enough, has gotten super interested in the show) and Friend From High School Jen! She’s NEVER SEEN AN EPISODE OF DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES (I know, right?), but she’s staying with me for a few days, so she has no choice this week.

Ready? Let’s go! (That reminds me of a cheer I did in high school once. Moving on…)

9:00: The “previously on” is ALL ABOUT SUSAN. And I’m OK with it. Here’s why: I love the Karl drama. And this is also the Great Return of Gale Harold. Both of those are two things that’ll make me watch a Susan-centric episode with the glee of a WoW player at a gaming convention.
9:02: Aight, I’m just going to say this: I don’t like MJ. I don’t like his acting, I don’t like his Children-of-the-Corn demeanor, and I don’t lilke his little front-flip cowlick. That is all.
9:04: Yes! Bree’s only reeeaaally Bree when she’s maneating. And man oh man, is she maneating with this divorce. I’ve MISSED this!
9:07: Uh oh, I smell an eating disorder as Juanita’s looking longingly at a cover of mom…or, you know, a terrible use of mom’s makeup. Whatever, I was close. (Or not at all?)
9:11: “Jackson, Hey. You’re back.” That’s………it? Well, she DID look really excited/happy to have dinner with him. I have a feeling she’s not as aprehensive about him returning as I first thought?
9:14: Aw, Tom’s like the overworked and underappreciated housewife, and then he OPENS HIS SHIRT and whoooa, ABS! Where have you been keeping those, Tommy?
9:15: They have some quick office sex. “That was fast,” –Erin.
9:16: Karl’s handling Bree’s divorce. It’s like the writers are giving me everything I could ever want in life. Do they know that I thrive on trashy desperateness? Gimme more! (Sorry…been listenin’ to Britney a little bit too much lately!)

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Desperate Housewives ‘Rose’s Turn’
Air Date: April 26, 2009
Liveblog/recap

OK, so things are a little bit different this week. Neighbor Peggy’s on vacation at a destination bachelorette party in Miami, so I’m joined by two new people: Friend Erin, who’s not super into Desperate Housewives but watches for moral support, and Cute Boy Ryan, who also doesn’t watch the show but is a pretty big TV nerd.

So this should be fun, yes? Let’s go!

9:03: I had some hope that Rose would let everyone know that she saw Orson, but no, she’s on the same crazy train (aaaaaallllll aboooard!) with Crazy Dave and is telling Katherine that she thinks Death came for her ….and stole her knick-knacks.

9:04: You know, as I’m watching this scene between Orson and Bree, I’m realizing it’s been a long time since we’ve had a good divorce. I could use one of those right now, but I don’t think should be Brorson (why has it taken me so long to start calling them that?? It just rolls right off the tongue), at least not yet. I love his crazy pilfering and want more of it!

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Desperate Housewives “Death Falls Upon Edie”
Air Date: March 21, 2009
Liveblog/recap

I’ve got some new thoughts going into this episode this week. After all the hype over the “lesbian kiss” from last week, I’m nervous about the amount of hype surrounding the wife-dying episode. So I’m thinking that because we have five episodes left, that Edie won’t die this episode. So I’ve got a theory — something will happen to her to put her in what I call the “soap opera coma.” You may remember from a few seasons back when Mike was in the “soap opera coma.” Usually, they have some sort of miraculous can’t-happen-in-real-life recovery, but we already know that Nicollette Sheridan is leaving the show, sooo….

Anyway, we’ve got a packed house tonight: Neighbor Peggy, Neighbor Peggy’s boyfriend, Cameron, and friend Erin all are tuning in to watch the OMG-BIG-SCARY-SOMEONE-DIES episode tonight. Enough wasting time, onto the episode!!
9:00:  “Dave Willilams had been planning the murder for years.” …as he eats Doritos.
9:01: This little insight into Dave’s crazy is FANTASTIC. Although, if his plan is to kill Katherine, then obviously his plan is going to go awry and he’s going to kill someone who’s not Katherine. As per my prediction, I think it’s not going to be Edie, but Peggy says it is. She might be right.
9:04: KARL. YES. It’s been way too long since we’ve seen him! I just realized that the only time I really liked Susan was when she had Karl putting her in her place. Now, don’t get me wrong — I don’t think Karl’s a good person, by any means, but I love watching him.

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So many good suggestions this week!! I appreciate all the tips and help! Now on to name the winners and losers of “The Story of Lucy and Jessie,” episode 5.17.

We all know I wasn’t super thrilled with this episode because of the overly hyped “lesbian” kiss, so for that reason, I’m going to do the losers first!

LOSERS

1. The Person Who Does Desperate Housewives’ Promotions: Ahh, now you can see why I made the decision to put the losers first. After having some time to think about the kiss, I’ve got a few different thoughts about it. Commenter Jamie isn’t wrong when he said it was a smart move to do it, and to do it now — during sweeps and right before Edie likely will be killed off the show. I’m in total agreeance that it’s a smart move, but I worry about smart, gimmicky moves ruining the show. But yeah, if it got more people to watch it, and we’re still here, the show did something right, yes? And this is why I just write about it after it’s happened and no one’s hiring me to do any marketing. Anyway, the reason Promotions Guy is on the list is because the actual kisses (both of them) were fine. Nothing to write home about, nothing shocking or extreme or even close to taboo. It’s the insane hype before this show that earns Promotions Guy a spot on the losers’ list.

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Desperate Housewives “The Story of Lucy and Jessie”
Air Date: March 15, 2009
Liveblog/recap

I’m watching the show by myself tonight. Neighbor Peggy’s got a lot of teacher-homework-business to do, so she’s missing out on the OMG 2 GURLS R GUNNA KISS episode. At ANY rate, I guess it’s all on me to make fun of the writers for using a tired, society-damaging device like a lesbian kiss to get more viewers. Let’s see if it was worth it…

9:00: The previously on shows Crazy Dave organizing his camping trip. This is one of the stories I’ve been dying to see more of. So has Edie! And Bradley! And Amy’s off to a terrible, non-hilarious start to tonight’s live blog. Will she get less funny? Stay tuned to find out.
9:03: Funny how things work out, eh? Carlos and Gaby can use Boss Bradley’s bribes to keep his cheating ways quiet to their benefit — and do all these things some would call “sinful,” and, in the end, Carlos gets Bradley’s job. What would you call that? Luck?
9:05: Edie just found out that Crazy Dave’s adorable daughter died in the same crash as his wife…and well, that he even had an adorable daughter to begin with. Want more! Want more! I want the entire show to be about Dave and Edie.
9:07: Aw, I was hoping for Lynette to stand up for herself when those two “old” 28-year-olds started rambling like Rachel McAdams in “Mean Girls” about how “old” women don’t stand a chance in the biz. Instead, all we got  was a “call my kids if you hear a gunshot”? Come on Lynette, where you at, lady???
9:08: And here’s our first opportunity to see Susan teaching — and Swoosie Kurtz! As previously reported, we knew she was going to be on the show, but we didn’t know how. Now we will…
9:10: Orson’s trying to justify his thievery to Bree. She’s not getting it. “Stealing a ceramic duck give you a thrill?” Ha! And he scoffs at the idea of talking to a psychiatrist, and says he’s not crazy. Oh, right, and Bree met you at the supermarket, was it, Orson? Right? Ooohhh, yeaaaah. Nice try, dude, but Dave’ll probably be leaving the show soon, and let’s face it: Every good awesome/trashy soap opera needs at least one crazy. You’ll take that crown from Dave, Orson.

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Yes, kids, it’s time to delegate the title of winner or loser to six individuals from this week’s episode of Desperate Housewives. I very much appreciate the responses and votes this time, which made things easier!! Actually, I’m totally lying — it made things harder to decide, because y’all made some points that I didn’t think of. I’m only one man, I can’t play DH God all by myself! Also, I’m a woman, and yes I can! So onward!

WINNERS

1. Gaby/Carlos: Jamie and Karl suggested this one, and they’re both dead on. Yes, their moral compasses skewed a little to the “I want more money at the risk of being a little evil” side, but they bounced back and did the right thing. Of course, that set off a few events that caused a woman to killed her husband, but they can’t be blamed for doing the right thing, can they?

2. Edie: Jamie’s TOTALLY right on this one. It’s not like Edie to let some MAN pull the tight cashmere over her eyes, and she’s let it happen for far, far too long. I shouldn’t even be congratulating her for this, because we know it’ll ultimately result in her death. But I don’t have many more opportunities to give Edie the Amy Bartner DH Winner’s Cup, so you get this one fair and square, lady. Aw. <looks away from computer, dabs eyes.> I’m gonna miss her.

3. Susan: All right, Jamie, I’m only mildly begrudgingly giving this one to you (say that three times fast. Go!). Any time a person take a hit to themselves to benefit someone else in a completely selfless act — the way that Susan did to Katherine with Mike — they deserve to be on the winner’s list.

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