Desperate Housewives “If It’s Only In Your Head”
Air Date: May 17, 2009
Liveblog/recap

I’m SUPER excited for tonight’s show. There’s so much going on. M.J. might get killed. Orson’s threatening Bree. Some hot girl is moving in with Carlos and Gaby. Neighbor Peggy’s back to watch the finale, and Friend Erin — who really couldn’t have cared less about the show a few months ago — is here watching, without any persuasion from me. Just doin’ my job and creating new fans every day. (On that note, I hear from my mother that my sister watches every week, too, even though she’d never admit it to me herself.) I have nothing to hide. I love “Desperate Housewives.” More than I love the show itself, I love the season premieres and finales. So quit yer jabberin’, and watch the show, Amy!

9:01: “The thing you have to understand about Dave Evans…” YES. We’re wating no time. We start with Crazy Dave, and we start with him video taping himself. “I didn’t want to kill M.J. Delfino. I had to.” Erin isn’t understanding why I think Crazy Dave is good-looking. I obviously can’t explain why. He just is.
9:02: Are we going to get a lot of M.J. in this episode? It seems likely. He’s a cute kid, I just hope he doesn’t talk/try to acft much! Yeah, yeah. Peggy’s right about him “being like 4 or something.” NO EXCUSE. Dakota Fanning has been a fantastic little actress since she was in the womb. Jus’ sayin’.
9:04: Finally. We’re seeing what happened to the doctor. It’s about time? I just don’t get how we’re supposed to buy that everyone on the show is so dense to have no brought this up earlier?
9:05: Lily Tomlin’s name just flew across the screen in the credits!!! I’m calling it right now: The Old Lady P.I.s are going to crack the entire case.
9:06: This is the FIRST time that Susan’s raising her eyebrows about Dave’s craziness. Again: Why is it fiiiiinally happening NOW?
9:07: So I heard Crazy Dave say “It’s fine, I’m just trippin’.” But he really just said “It’s fine, it’s just a trip.” I like my version better.
9:09: I wonder how much longer Gaby can keep responding to Juanita’s questions with a “because, that’s what grownups do.”
9:10: “Spend some time at the intersection of right leg and left leg?” — Karl. This is why I love him. Did I need a reason? Can we rename this show “Desperate Househusbands.” Please? They’re all soooo much more desperate than the wives. Tom? Orson? DAVE? Hellooooooo, desperation!

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Desperate Housewives ‘Bargaining’
Air Date: May 21, 2009
Liveblog/recap

OK, so tonight’s the night that Gale Harold/Jackson makes his triumphant return to Wisteria Lane. We know from the previews on last week’s episode that he’s going to propose, and I’m guessing it’ll be a no from Susan? Or not, who knows. Anyway, Neighbor Peggy has bailed aGAIN for DH Night, so I’m with Friend Erin (who, oddly enough, has gotten super interested in the show) and Friend From High School Jen! She’s NEVER SEEN AN EPISODE OF DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES (I know, right?), but she’s staying with me for a few days, so she has no choice this week.

Ready? Let’s go! (That reminds me of a cheer I did in high school once. Moving on…)

9:00: The “previously on” is ALL ABOUT SUSAN. And I’m OK with it. Here’s why: I love the Karl drama. And this is also the Great Return of Gale Harold. Both of those are two things that’ll make me watch a Susan-centric episode with the glee of a WoW player at a gaming convention.
9:02: Aight, I’m just going to say this: I don’t like MJ. I don’t like his acting, I don’t like his Children-of-the-Corn demeanor, and I don’t lilke his little front-flip cowlick. That is all.
9:04: Yes! Bree’s only reeeaaally Bree when she’s maneating. And man oh man, is she maneating with this divorce. I’ve MISSED this!
9:07: Uh oh, I smell an eating disorder as Juanita’s looking longingly at a cover of mom…or, you know, a terrible use of mom’s makeup. Whatever, I was close. (Or not at all?)
9:11: “Jackson, Hey. You’re back.” That’s………it? Well, she DID look really excited/happy to have dinner with him. I have a feeling she’s not as aprehensive about him returning as I first thought?
9:14: Aw, Tom’s like the overworked and underappreciated housewife, and then he OPENS HIS SHIRT and whoooa, ABS! Where have you been keeping those, Tommy?
9:15: They have some quick office sex. “That was fast,” –Erin.
9:16: Karl’s handling Bree’s divorce. It’s like the writers are giving me everything I could ever want in life. Do they know that I thrive on trashy desperateness? Gimme more! (Sorry…been listenin’ to Britney a little bit too much lately!)

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Desperate Housewives ‘Rose’s Turn’
Air Date: April 26, 2009
Liveblog/recap

OK, so things are a little bit different this week. Neighbor Peggy’s on vacation at a destination bachelorette party in Miami, so I’m joined by two new people: Friend Erin, who’s not super into Desperate Housewives but watches for moral support, and Cute Boy Ryan, who also doesn’t watch the show but is a pretty big TV nerd.

So this should be fun, yes? Let’s go!

9:03: I had some hope that Rose would let everyone know that she saw Orson, but no, she’s on the same crazy train (aaaaaallllll aboooard!) with Crazy Dave and is telling Katherine that she thinks Death came for her ….and stole her knick-knacks.

9:04: You know, as I’m watching this scene between Orson and Bree, I’m realizing it’s been a long time since we’ve had a good divorce. I could use one of those right now, but I don’t think should be Brorson (why has it taken me so long to start calling them that?? It just rolls right off the tongue), at least not yet. I love his crazy pilfering and want more of it!

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E!’s Ted Casablanca is reporting that there’s been some buzz about a ‘wives spinoff — and Kathryn Joosten (Mrs. McCluskey) is rumored to be one of the people studio execs are considering for the new show. She’d be starring with Lily Tomlin, and presumably they’d start their own the old-lady P.I. biz?

Although I love watching these two on the show, I can’t really seen them hacking it for their own series. The No. 1 reason? (Don’t get mad, sista’s just statin’ facks): They’re not hot. Entertaining, yes. But spinoffs seem to be all the rage these days. Would you watch a DH spinoff? Who would you pick for it?

Image: CTV

Desperate Housewives “Death Falls Upon Edie”
Air Date: March 21, 2009
Liveblog/recap

I’ve got some new thoughts going into this episode this week. After all the hype over the “lesbian kiss” from last week, I’m nervous about the amount of hype surrounding the wife-dying episode. So I’m thinking that because we have five episodes left, that Edie won’t die this episode. So I’ve got a theory — something will happen to her to put her in what I call the “soap opera coma.” You may remember from a few seasons back when Mike was in the “soap opera coma.” Usually, they have some sort of miraculous can’t-happen-in-real-life recovery, but we already know that Nicollette Sheridan is leaving the show, sooo….

Anyway, we’ve got a packed house tonight: Neighbor Peggy, Neighbor Peggy’s boyfriend, Cameron, and friend Erin all are tuning in to watch the OMG-BIG-SCARY-SOMEONE-DIES episode tonight. Enough wasting time, onto the episode!!
9:00:  “Dave Willilams had been planning the murder for years.” …as he eats Doritos.
9:01: This little insight into Dave’s crazy is FANTASTIC. Although, if his plan is to kill Katherine, then obviously his plan is going to go awry and he’s going to kill someone who’s not Katherine. As per my prediction, I think it’s not going to be Edie, but Peggy says it is. She might be right.
9:04: KARL. YES. It’s been way too long since we’ve seen him! I just realized that the only time I really liked Susan was when she had Karl putting her in her place. Now, don’t get me wrong — I don’t think Karl’s a good person, by any means, but I love watching him.

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Desperate Housewives “The Story of Lucy and Jessie”
Air Date: March 15, 2009
Liveblog/recap

I’m watching the show by myself tonight. Neighbor Peggy’s got a lot of teacher-homework-business to do, so she’s missing out on the OMG 2 GURLS R GUNNA KISS episode. At ANY rate, I guess it’s all on me to make fun of the writers for using a tired, society-damaging device like a lesbian kiss to get more viewers. Let’s see if it was worth it…

9:00: The previously on shows Crazy Dave organizing his camping trip. This is one of the stories I’ve been dying to see more of. So has Edie! And Bradley! And Amy’s off to a terrible, non-hilarious start to tonight’s live blog. Will she get less funny? Stay tuned to find out.
9:03: Funny how things work out, eh? Carlos and Gaby can use Boss Bradley’s bribes to keep his cheating ways quiet to their benefit — and do all these things some would call “sinful,” and, in the end, Carlos gets Bradley’s job. What would you call that? Luck?
9:05: Edie just found out that Crazy Dave’s adorable daughter died in the same crash as his wife…and well, that he even had an adorable daughter to begin with. Want more! Want more! I want the entire show to be about Dave and Edie.
9:07: Aw, I was hoping for Lynette to stand up for herself when those two “old” 28-year-olds started rambling like Rachel McAdams in “Mean Girls” about how “old” women don’t stand a chance in the biz. Instead, all we got  was a “call my kids if you hear a gunshot”? Come on Lynette, where you at, lady???
9:08: And here’s our first opportunity to see Susan teaching — and Swoosie Kurtz! As previously reported, we knew she was going to be on the show, but we didn’t know how. Now we will…
9:10: Orson’s trying to justify his thievery to Bree. She’s not getting it. “Stealing a ceramic duck give you a thrill?” Ha! And he scoffs at the idea of talking to a psychiatrist, and says he’s not crazy. Oh, right, and Bree met you at the supermarket, was it, Orson? Right? Ooohhh, yeaaaah. Nice try, dude, but Dave’ll probably be leaving the show soon, and let’s face it: Every good awesome/trashy soap opera needs at least one crazy. You’ll take that crown from Dave, Orson.

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Desperate Housewives “Crime Doesn’t Pay”

Air date: March 8, 2009

Live blog/recap

As always, here’s the deal: Neighbor Peggy and I sit and watch the ‘wives and comment on how much better their lives could be if they’d just listen to us. This time, Neighbor Peggy’s boyfriend, Cameron, (sorta) joins us. He’s doing something on his laptop and half-listening to to the show.

Don’t forget about the winners and losers of the show! Check back later for them — and suggest some of your own if you have ‘em!

9:00: It looks like this is going to be a big Orson episode — which is a good thing. Not gonna lie, I always was kinda irritated that we just ignored his shadiness and accepted him at Bree’s husband, and five (six? Seven?) years later, here we are.
9:02: “I used  to be a dentist, remember?” Ooohh, right. Tom’s always been my favorite man on the show, and I like that he’s gettin’ spunky. And Orson just earned a new nickname by stealing the salt shaker: KleptOrson.
9:04: Susan’s wearing a see-through shirt? Actually, on second glance, it looks great on her — albeit a little too…harlotty? There’s a better word for a 44-year-old woman wearing a bra with a fishing net over it. I’m not quite sure if I can remember just what it is….oh, that’s right: COUGAR.
9:07: I can’t say I’m surprised that Bradley is making Gaby his alibi, though that’s not a fantastic position for her to be in… “I paid you thirty grand, I want to get my money’s worth.”
9:09: Orson’s doing a weird voice with the stolen salt shaker? I just keep looking a the screen and saying “WTF? No, seriously…wtf.”
9:10: Peggy comes in late with the boyfriend, Cameron, and immediately says, “What is Susan wearing?” Cameron says, “Yeah, baby!”

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Marc Cherry has been asked to cut $1 million from the ‘wives budget, reports E!’s Ted Casablanca. So that means, although Nicollette’s departure from the show has definitely been confirmed, she won’t be the only one. As for now, it’ll only be “guest stars” leaving, Ted said.

Who do you think will be desperately searchin’ for a new job? Better yet, who do you think should be desperately searchin’ for a new job?

These are my guesses: No more Lily Tomlin as one half of the Old-Lady P.I.s (though they best not be getting rid of Mrs. McCluskey…). I think we already knew this one, but this probably means Jackson/Gale Harold is gone for good. Who else? Katherine? A lass can hope, can’t she?

It’s time for our weekly game of winners and losers! Please remember these are up to you, too, so if you see someone you think should be a winner/loser in Sunday’s episode, e-mail or comment it to me!

Onward to the winners and losers of the ‘wives game! This one was a hard one…I’m realizing that the line between winner and loser is getting thinner and thinner. (Is someone a winner if they succeeded at being evil? Or are they a loser because they’re evil?) Yes, I’m talkin’ about Dave. We’re just going to have to take this on a case-by-case basis.

WINNERS

1. Lynette Scavo: I’m agreeing with commenter Jamie on this one. He wrote that she always makes great decisions for her family, and she does — but she also lets Tom make some stupid ones, just to support him. It’s a difficult balance to strike, and Lynette’s hit it, dead on.

2. Dave Williams: See? Dude’s obviously evil/up to no good/has the prettiest eyes of any human I’ve ever seen, but I still think he’s a winner. He’s duped EVERYONE, including the woman he lives with (though, apparently that’s not hard to do?). OK, well, he hasn’t duped everyone. The Old Lady Private Investigators were onto his game (where have they been?? Bring them back!) and Lee’s at least suspicious…and Tom now, too. But he’s still living there, getting away with whatever it is that he might get away with. (Until whatever it is causes his wife’s untimely death. I’m sure that’s what’s going to happen.)

3. Orson Hodge: Again, good suggestion from Jamie on this one. I’d be willing to bet that the only person who can out-Bree Bree is, well, her husband. (Actually, I have a funny feeling Andrew could do it, too…but he’s all sugary sweet and a good boy now…)

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E! Online is reporting that Edie’ll be killed off the show “in an accident involving a car and an electrical wire.”

Ugh. Sounds horrible. Kathryn Joosten (Mrs. McCluskey) told E! the details last night. Apparently, Nicollette told the cast she was leaving at their regular 2 p.m. table read yesterday.

Here’s what Joosten said:

“She said, ‘Bye, it was really nice working with everybody. It’s been terrific and a real honor. Then we all said, ‘Bye,’ and she said, ‘I have a scene to go do, so let me go study that.’ And that was that. Totally professional.”

I still want to know if this was by her own volition, by force of the natural plotline (don’t believe that one…) or because someone wasn’t happy with her?

Regardless, it looks like Dave won’t directly cause her death, but I have a funny feeling it has something to do with him.

The REAL question is this: Will the show be the same without Nic?