Desperate Housewives “If It’s Only In Your Head”
Air Date: May 17, 2009
Liveblog/recap

I’m SUPER excited for tonight’s show. There’s so much going on. M.J. might get killed. Orson’s threatening Bree. Some hot girl is moving in with Carlos and Gaby. Neighbor Peggy’s back to watch the finale, and Friend Erin — who really couldn’t have cared less about the show a few months ago — is here watching, without any persuasion from me. Just doin’ my job and creating new fans every day. (On that note, I hear from my mother that my sister watches every week, too, even though she’d never admit it to me herself.) I have nothing to hide. I love “Desperate Housewives.” More than I love the show itself, I love the season premieres and finales. So quit yer jabberin’, and watch the show, Amy!

9:01: “The thing you have to understand about Dave Evans…” YES. We’re wating no time. We start with Crazy Dave, and we start with him video taping himself. “I didn’t want to kill M.J. Delfino. I had to.” Erin isn’t understanding why I think Crazy Dave is good-looking. I obviously can’t explain why. He just is.
9:02: Are we going to get a lot of M.J. in this episode? It seems likely. He’s a cute kid, I just hope he doesn’t talk/try to acft much! Yeah, yeah. Peggy’s right about him “being like 4 or something.” NO EXCUSE. Dakota Fanning has been a fantastic little actress since she was in the womb. Jus’ sayin’.
9:04: Finally. We’re seeing what happened to the doctor. It’s about time? I just don’t get how we’re supposed to buy that everyone on the show is so dense to have no brought this up earlier?
9:05: Lily Tomlin’s name just flew across the screen in the credits!!! I’m calling it right now: The Old Lady P.I.s are going to crack the entire case.
9:06: This is the FIRST time that Susan’s raising her eyebrows about Dave’s craziness. Again: Why is it fiiiiinally happening NOW?
9:07: So I heard Crazy Dave say “It’s fine, I’m just trippin’.” But he really just said “It’s fine, it’s just a trip.” I like my version better.
9:09: I wonder how much longer Gaby can keep responding to Juanita’s questions with a “because, that’s what grownups do.”
9:10: “Spend some time at the intersection of right leg and left leg?” — Karl. This is why I love him. Did I need a reason? Can we rename this show “Desperate Househusbands.” Please? They’re all soooo much more desperate than the wives. Tom? Orson? DAVE? Hellooooooo, desperation!

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Desperate Housewives ‘Bargaining’
Air Date: May 21, 2009
Liveblog/recap

OK, so tonight’s the night that Gale Harold/Jackson makes his triumphant return to Wisteria Lane. We know from the previews on last week’s episode that he’s going to propose, and I’m guessing it’ll be a no from Susan? Or not, who knows. Anyway, Neighbor Peggy has bailed aGAIN for DH Night, so I’m with Friend Erin (who, oddly enough, has gotten super interested in the show) and Friend From High School Jen! She’s NEVER SEEN AN EPISODE OF DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES (I know, right?), but she’s staying with me for a few days, so she has no choice this week.

Ready? Let’s go! (That reminds me of a cheer I did in high school once. Moving on…)

9:00: The “previously on” is ALL ABOUT SUSAN. And I’m OK with it. Here’s why: I love the Karl drama. And this is also the Great Return of Gale Harold. Both of those are two things that’ll make me watch a Susan-centric episode with the glee of a WoW player at a gaming convention.
9:02: Aight, I’m just going to say this: I don’t like MJ. I don’t like his acting, I don’t like his Children-of-the-Corn demeanor, and I don’t lilke his little front-flip cowlick. That is all.
9:04: Yes! Bree’s only reeeaaally Bree when she’s maneating. And man oh man, is she maneating with this divorce. I’ve MISSED this!
9:07: Uh oh, I smell an eating disorder as Juanita’s looking longingly at a cover of mom…or, you know, a terrible use of mom’s makeup. Whatever, I was close. (Or not at all?)
9:11: “Jackson, Hey. You’re back.” That’s………it? Well, she DID look really excited/happy to have dinner with him. I have a feeling she’s not as aprehensive about him returning as I first thought?
9:14: Aw, Tom’s like the overworked and underappreciated housewife, and then he OPENS HIS SHIRT and whoooa, ABS! Where have you been keeping those, Tommy?
9:15: They have some quick office sex. “That was fast,” –Erin.
9:16: Karl’s handling Bree’s divorce. It’s like the writers are giving me everything I could ever want in life. Do they know that I thrive on trashy desperateness? Gimme more! (Sorry…been listenin’ to Britney a little bit too much lately!)

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Desperate Housewives ‘Look Into Their Eyes and You See What They Know’
Air Date: April 19, 2009
Liveblog/recap

Aight, kids. It’s been waaaaay too long since we last did this, and I’m extremely excited for this episode. I’m excited even though I just stopped of at Wendy’s for a Frosty, and they were all out of chocolate, so I had to get a vanilla Frosty. Why do those even exist?? But now I’m here, with Neighbor Peggy and Friend Erin, and we’re ready to see the first episode of “Desperate Housewives” in a month.

9:00: Yes! Edie’s narrating. “What can I say? It was one of those days.” The only people who’ve narrated the show have been dead. Mary Alice, Rex. Is she dee-ee-dee ded?
9:01: Yep. Less than a minute into the show, and my soap-opera-coma theory is already wrong. Edie really is DEAD dead. Wow. That’s….it?
9:02: It suddenly occurred to me that maybe this is what Dana Delany meant when she said “dead doesn’t mean dead.” Edie’s going to take over for Mary Alice? I mean, her character is totally moot at this point, right? Nicollette’s leaving the show for good, though, so maybe not.
9:04: So are we going to see all these happy stories about when Edie was fun and nice with everyone? Don’t get me wrong, I loved Edie, but she wasn’t the girl next door.
9:05: “Funny and likes to gossip? We’re going to get along just fine,” -Susan. Uh-huh. Yup. Until you BURN EACH OTHER’S HOUSES DOWN?
9:06: Thank the high harlotty heavens! Edie just said she was sleeping with a married neighbor. Good thing we’re not having happy-memory time like the 100th episode, with Eli Scruggs.

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It’s time for our weekly game of winners and losers! Please remember these are up to you, too, so if you see someone you think should be a winner/loser in Sunday’s episode, e-mail or comment it to me!

Onward to the winners and losers of the ‘wives game! This one was a hard one…I’m realizing that the line between winner and loser is getting thinner and thinner. (Is someone a winner if they succeeded at being evil? Or are they a loser because they’re evil?) Yes, I’m talkin’ about Dave. We’re just going to have to take this on a case-by-case basis.

WINNERS

1. Lynette Scavo: I’m agreeing with commenter Jamie on this one. He wrote that she always makes great decisions for her family, and she does — but she also lets Tom make some stupid ones, just to support him. It’s a difficult balance to strike, and Lynette’s hit it, dead on.

2. Dave Williams: See? Dude’s obviously evil/up to no good/has the prettiest eyes of any human I’ve ever seen, but I still think he’s a winner. He’s duped EVERYONE, including the woman he lives with (though, apparently that’s not hard to do?). OK, well, he hasn’t duped everyone. The Old Lady Private Investigators were onto his game (where have they been?? Bring them back!) and Lee’s at least suspicious…and Tom now, too. But he’s still living there, getting away with whatever it is that he might get away with. (Until whatever it is causes his wife’s untimely death. I’m sure that’s what’s going to happen.)

3. Orson Hodge: Again, good suggestion from Jamie on this one. I’d be willing to bet that the only person who can out-Bree Bree is, well, her husband. (Actually, I have a funny feeling Andrew could do it, too…but he’s all sugary sweet and a good boy now…)

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Desperate Housewives “In a World Where Kings Are Employers”
Air date: Feb. 15, 2009
Live blog / recap

Aight, so here’s the deal: I usually watch with Neighbor Peggy and we toss some witty banter back and forth about the show. She can’t make it tonight, so I’m just going to have to tell Susan jokes to myself!

Check back tomorrow (Monday) for the winners and losers of tonight’s show! (And suggest some of your own if you have ‘em!)

Shall we begin?

9:00 The “previously on” showed Crazy Dave’s therapist realizing that Mike was in the band. That means we’ll get to see an altercation between them!
9:02: Uh, did Susan just tell Mike to step up and help out? Who is this woman, and what has she done with Susan?
9:03: MJ’s at Katherine’s. I sense a battle over who’s the better mom: Katherine vs, Susan. I think Katherine wins round number one. Two words: blackjack lesson.
9:06: I love how Bree’s family continues getting wealthier and wealthier as her neighbors (Lynette/Tom’s slow business and Carlos not getting a bonus) are feeling the economy. I also wish this was a made-up recession for a TV show, instead of a TV show pulling from reality.
9:09: Tom’s putting his foot down and saying he won’t close the pizza shop. We all know how THAT one’ll end: He’ll apologize to Lynette for being a jerk and they’ll close down the shop. What’re they going to do? Go back to the ad biz?
9:12: “Life is brief and mostly sucks.” Awww, it’s Edie. Foreshadowing, there? I don’t think I can watch her without thinking about what’s going to happen to her
9:13: Edie hears buzzing. Is Crazy Dave hiding a crazy vibrator?
9:14: Or a cell phone. That was my next guess.

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Read last week’s winners and losers

It’s time for our weekly game of winners and losers! Please remember these are up to you, too, so if you see someone you think should be a winner/loser in Sunday’s episode, e-mail or comment it to me!

Onward to the winners and losers of the ‘wives game!

WINNERS

1. Lynette: The woman done outdone her mother AND the Matt-Damon-lookin’ kid with a single “Oh, looky, I’m going to pretend I DIED” move. I had a tiny amount of pity (itty bitty pity, if you will) for her mom at the end, but not enough to say Lynette’s move was dastardly. It was anything but dastard, in fact. Man, Lynette, you’re awesome. You manage to win in every episode, even when I’m looking forward to something else. For that, you, good lady, are a winner! (Suggested by Jamie!)

2. Edie: I’ve had a deep internal debate about whether Edie should be on the winner list. So deep, in fact, that I channeled the woman and began talking like her and making snarky comments to coworkers, friends and random people on the street (which did NOT go something like this, “Suuussan. Your mother’s in here with us.” Exorcist? Anyone? Anyone? No? Moving on…). Despite Edie’s obvious failure in being as strong and independent as I had originally pegged — when she went back to Dave at the end — she’s a winner. She put Susan in her place, and someone desperately, desperately needed to put that desperate woman on Desperate Housewives in her desperate place. That, for the time being, wins over male-go-backery. (Thanks to Holly for that one. Sorry, Jamie…disagreement number 2!)

3. Bree: When hasn’t Bree been a winner in this season? The red-headed fox managed to give us a great fight and a make-up with Alex, the future-son-in-law, and all in one episode. So the viewers are left with the satisfaction of watching a great spat, but with all the resolution of happy ending. And yes, the bit with Orson and Bree in the sackarooni alone is worth a winner mention. (Thanks to Holly AND Jamie for that one!)

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Desperate Housewives 5.11 “Home is the Place”
Air date: Jan. 11, 2009
Live blog / recap [preview]

Aight, so here’s the deal: Neighbor Peggy and I are watching the ‘wives tonight and commenting about all the events of the show. Some of them might be even witty comments. Check back tomorrow (Monday) for the winners and losers of tonight’s show! (And suggest some of your own if you have ‘em!)

Shall we begin?

9:00: Oh man, we’re starting right off with Crazy Dave bein’ all crazy. I especially love how Mary Alice is talking so nonchalantly about his crazy, too. “And then he went crazy. Oh, and then, and then…”
9:01: How GOOD does Edie look when Dave “bumped” into her?
9:02: Ah, here’s the beginning of the end for Mike. It just seems like he’s been out of the picture for so long, and I’ve kinda forgotten about him.
“And just like that, Dave’s dream of revenge was salvaged.” Yeessss….
9:04: Susan changes the subject from Edie and asks, “Think you can rent my house out?” translation: “Me me me, me me me, me me me.”
9:05: Katherine walked up to Mike’s house as Dave’s mowin’ the lawn. Doesn’t she look like she’s about to whip open the trench coat and flash him?
9:06: Peggy says she’s totally making the moving-to-Baltimore thing up to see what Mike says. Obviously, Mike failed that little mind-reading test.
9:06: Bree looks good! In glasses, and more relaxed? What is it about her? Is it because Melina isn’t in this episode yet?
9:07: Woah! Future son-in-law Alex took an AWESOME character turn and started yelling at Bree not to emasculate Orson because that’s how his mom used to talk his dad. Looks like someone’s script got beefed up.
9:10: Does anyone else want to see what Baby Matt Damon 1’s life is like in the nursing home? Running through the cafeteria and stealin’ all the lime Jell-O and smearing it all over the bingo boards.
9:11: Peggy and I both, at the same time, comment on Edie’s boobs. Is she wearing a bra, and if so, why is it so ineffective? She’s got a bad case of what I like to call the whale boob…you know, like how whales’ eyes are all far apart and on the sides of their heads?

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Edie and Susan get locked in a basement! There’s just no way that scene can’t be fantastic from beginning to end.

Also: Bree starts fighting dirty(er) and plotting against Melina (no question on who’ll win THAT one…) and Gaby needs Carlos to help her with her kids (that’s gotta be karma from Gaby looking down on Lynette when her kids were out of control, right?)

Mike and Katharine are back this episode and apparently have the DTR (define the relationship) talk, and Dave gets closer to getting his revenge. Think those two things are related?

But the biggest thing? On Lynette’s search for Porter, she finds her mom…and gets into a car accident?? ABC could be pulling the ol’ lure-us-in-with-a-faux-accident trick, but I don’t care. I’m falling for it!

What are you most excited for in “Connect! Connect!”?

Source: ABC

Read last episode’s winners and losers

Desperate Housewives are done with their little winter hiatus, which means it’s time for our weekly game of winners and losers! Please remember these are up to you, too, so if you see someone you think should be a winner/loser in Sundays episode, e-mail or comment it to me!

Shall we begin?

WINNERS

1. Gaby: Oh man, I wish I had made an entire category about Gaby’s laugh so I could grade it in each episode. Not that it would matter, though, because the evil cackle that girl had going when Bob walked into Susan’s house would win every time. Can’t wait to get this on DVD and rewatch it — over and over again. But in other Gaby-winning news, she swindled her husband into taking a job he didn’t want so she can buy pretty gold shoes (and MAN were those pretty…). I’m not sure how she managed to make him feel bad for needing her care while he was BLIND, but she did. Yes, getting what you want isn’t necessarily a good thing…unless it’s within the confines of this show!

2. Bree Hodge: I thought she’d be a loser at first. The future in-law/trashy-pants Melina seemed to be winning with her version of red hair, with all this “I called it first” business. We knew that couldn’t last long. We knew Bree would be back, and again, any woman who calls someone a troglodyte is a winner. Forever.

3. Edie Britch: Finally, finally, FINALLY we get to see more dimension to her character. Instead of being the woman who’s just the neighborhood Edie Britch Williams, she’s become a woman married to a crazypants — who grows enough of a backbone to send Dave out. I think it’s time she was on the opening credits of the show, which, I might add, haven’t been updated pictorially since ‘nam/the beginning of the show.

LOSERS

1. Dave Williams: For entertainment purposes, Dave isn’t a loser. In fact, there’s nothing more that I love than watching a man go crazy. I’ll be dreaming about the scene with him sitting at the table, all whispering like a crazeee to his wife and child. But, let’s be real: in the grand scheme of the show, it’s not awesome to be crazy. It (probably) lost him his wife, and we all know he’s about an episode away from snapping and seeking his revenge on Mike… speaking of, will you miss Mike if he’s killed off the show?

2. Tie: Porter Scavo, AKA Baby Matt Damon 1, and Susan Mayer: Porter gets this award because he was too stupid to find a better place to hide than Grandma’s nursing home room. The Desperate HouseKid obviously hasn’t run away long-term before, and should’ve taken some tips from Andrew on how to survive on the street. On the bright side, we’ll get her back in Lynette’s life. Susan gets this because she told Lee she’s not happy without a man. What kind of message are you sending to your daughter AND baby son, Susan? Come ON!

3. Carlos Solis: Carlos loses for the obvious reasons. The man spent five years blind, then miraculously regains his sight, and then has to feel guilty for needing help during that time AND for wanting to help the blind…and the kicker? He’s convinced by his greedy wife to take a job he’s got no interest in. I really, really hope we see this in future episodes and it’s not just passed off as “oh, Carlos has a job now, things are back to the way they were in Season 1….”

Whattayoo think? Any other people should be on this list?

Photo source: CTV

Desperate Housewives 5.11 “Home is the Place”
Air date: Jan. 4, 2009
Live blog / recap [preview]

Tonight I’m watching with Neighbor Peggy, and we’re both super, super, SUPER excited to see tonight’s episode. Check back tomorrow for the winners and losers of “Home is the Place” or nominate your own in the comments below!!

9 p.m.: Shhhh! The “previously on” is on! I’ve been waiting A WHOLE MONTH FOR THIS!!
9:01: What’d Justin say his mother’s name was? Melina Caminas…Hyenas? Is there a coincidence that both Bree and Hyenas have red hair? I’m sensing a battle between the Good Bree and the Bad Bree. I don’t think I know which one is which.
9:03 Ah! Edie Williams realty! I keep forgetting that her last name isn’t Britt anymore. Whatever. I’m still calling her Edie Britch.
9:04: What’s wrong with Dave’s face? Peggy says it looks like he stole the color from Edie’s face. Definitely not from her chest, though. Sista looks like she’s always three seconds from a terrible case of melanoma.
9:05: Peggy and I both at the same time: “Woah, Susan!” Peggy meant is as a bad “woah” to the ruh-fuffle-fuffle shoulders on Susan’s jacket. I, however, meant it as a good “woah” because her hair finally doesn’t look like a dirtier, stringier version of Kurt Cobain’s.
9:07: Ha! Lee just called Susan a drag queen! He said it, I didn’t.
9:08: “Naked people are gross,” Carlos. Some are, Carlos. Some are.
9:09: OMG! BREE AND I HAVE THE SAME IRON!!! What does this say for my homemakery abilities? Should I be able to iron like an angel now? (How do angels iron?)

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