Desperate Housewives “If It’s Only In Your Head”
Air Date: May 17, 2009
Liveblog/recap

I’m SUPER excited for tonight’s show. There’s so much going on. M.J. might get killed. Orson’s threatening Bree. Some hot girl is moving in with Carlos and Gaby. Neighbor Peggy’s back to watch the finale, and Friend Erin — who really couldn’t have cared less about the show a few months ago — is here watching, without any persuasion from me. Just doin’ my job and creating new fans every day. (On that note, I hear from my mother that my sister watches every week, too, even though she’d never admit it to me herself.) I have nothing to hide. I love “Desperate Housewives.” More than I love the show itself, I love the season premieres and finales. So quit yer jabberin’, and watch the show, Amy!

9:01: “The thing you have to understand about Dave Evans…” YES. We’re wating no time. We start with Crazy Dave, and we start with him video taping himself. “I didn’t want to kill M.J. Delfino. I had to.” Erin isn’t understanding why I think Crazy Dave is good-looking. I obviously can’t explain why. He just is.
9:02: Are we going to get a lot of M.J. in this episode? It seems likely. He’s a cute kid, I just hope he doesn’t talk/try to acft much! Yeah, yeah. Peggy’s right about him “being like 4 or something.” NO EXCUSE. Dakota Fanning has been a fantastic little actress since she was in the womb. Jus’ sayin’.
9:04: Finally. We’re seeing what happened to the doctor. It’s about time? I just don’t get how we’re supposed to buy that everyone on the show is so dense to have no brought this up earlier?
9:05: Lily Tomlin’s name just flew across the screen in the credits!!! I’m calling it right now: The Old Lady P.I.s are going to crack the entire case.
9:06: This is the FIRST time that Susan’s raising her eyebrows about Dave’s craziness. Again: Why is it fiiiiinally happening NOW?
9:07: So I heard Crazy Dave say “It’s fine, I’m just trippin’.” But he really just said “It’s fine, it’s just a trip.” I like my version better.
9:09: I wonder how much longer Gaby can keep responding to Juanita’s questions with a “because, that’s what grownups do.”
9:10: “Spend some time at the intersection of right leg and left leg?” — Karl. This is why I love him. Did I need a reason? Can we rename this show “Desperate Househusbands.” Please? They’re all soooo much more desperate than the wives. Tom? Orson? DAVE? Hellooooooo, desperation!

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Desperate Housewives “Marry Me a Little”
Air Date: May 10, 2009
Liveblog/recap

I may or may not have tricked Neighbor Peggy away from grading papers by saying that tonight was the season finale. At the last minute, I set the record straight, but it was too late. She was already in my apartment. On we go with the show! (Did that rhyme? …nevermind, DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES IS STARTING!)

9:01: First thought: Isn’t that an awful lot of scotch that Bree just poured for Karl?
9:02: I’m totally loving this Dick Tracy-like meeting between the two of them. Did Karl just call Bree “Freckles”?? Are we watching “Lost,” or “Desperate Housewives”?
9:03: Karl’s painting this horrible fantasy to Bree about a 20-something replacing her. I love that he knows just what to do to press the buttons of EVERY woman on this show. I love Karl. I’m just going to say it. I don’t love him as a human, of course, but as a character? Can’t get enough
9:04: Is…uh….is Crazy Dave’s collar popped??
9:06: Juanita’s really working the “I can be just as bratty as mommy” angle, isn’t she? She has also become a pretty good little actress this season, though.
9:08: So we’re still seeing The Return of Jackson: the Unlikable Version. Like reader Jamie pointed it, this probably means that he’s an expendable character.
9:09: Lynette and Tom are talking about Twitter. Is this “Desperate Housewives’” attempt to be with it and cool with what all the kids are up to these days? And Tom’s going on about how he went into an interview and was 10 years older than everyone else. This is EXACTLY what happened when Lynette tried to go back to work. Why are we reusing all these story lines? (Susan was faked-married to Karl to get health insurance, too, remember?)

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Desperate Housewives ‘Bargaining’
Air Date: May 21, 2009
Liveblog/recap

OK, so tonight’s the night that Gale Harold/Jackson makes his triumphant return to Wisteria Lane. We know from the previews on last week’s episode that he’s going to propose, and I’m guessing it’ll be a no from Susan? Or not, who knows. Anyway, Neighbor Peggy has bailed aGAIN for DH Night, so I’m with Friend Erin (who, oddly enough, has gotten super interested in the show) and Friend From High School Jen! She’s NEVER SEEN AN EPISODE OF DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES (I know, right?), but she’s staying with me for a few days, so she has no choice this week.

Ready? Let’s go! (That reminds me of a cheer I did in high school once. Moving on…)

9:00: The “previously on” is ALL ABOUT SUSAN. And I’m OK with it. Here’s why: I love the Karl drama. And this is also the Great Return of Gale Harold. Both of those are two things that’ll make me watch a Susan-centric episode with the glee of a WoW player at a gaming convention.
9:02: Aight, I’m just going to say this: I don’t like MJ. I don’t like his acting, I don’t like his Children-of-the-Corn demeanor, and I don’t lilke his little front-flip cowlick. That is all.
9:04: Yes! Bree’s only reeeaaally Bree when she’s maneating. And man oh man, is she maneating with this divorce. I’ve MISSED this!
9:07: Uh oh, I smell an eating disorder as Juanita’s looking longingly at a cover of mom…or, you know, a terrible use of mom’s makeup. Whatever, I was close. (Or not at all?)
9:11: “Jackson, Hey. You’re back.” That’s………it? Well, she DID look really excited/happy to have dinner with him. I have a feeling she’s not as aprehensive about him returning as I first thought?
9:14: Aw, Tom’s like the overworked and underappreciated housewife, and then he OPENS HIS SHIRT and whoooa, ABS! Where have you been keeping those, Tommy?
9:15: They have some quick office sex. “That was fast,” –Erin.
9:16: Karl’s handling Bree’s divorce. It’s like the writers are giving me everything I could ever want in life. Do they know that I thrive on trashy desperateness? Gimme more! (Sorry…been listenin’ to Britney a little bit too much lately!)

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Desperate Housewives ‘Rose’s Turn’
Air Date: April 26, 2009
Liveblog/recap

OK, so things are a little bit different this week. Neighbor Peggy’s on vacation at a destination bachelorette party in Miami, so I’m joined by two new people: Friend Erin, who’s not super into Desperate Housewives but watches for moral support, and Cute Boy Ryan, who also doesn’t watch the show but is a pretty big TV nerd.

So this should be fun, yes? Let’s go!

9:03: I had some hope that Rose would let everyone know that she saw Orson, but no, she’s on the same crazy train (aaaaaallllll aboooard!) with Crazy Dave and is telling Katherine that she thinks Death came for her ….and stole her knick-knacks.

9:04: You know, as I’m watching this scene between Orson and Bree, I’m realizing it’s been a long time since we’ve had a good divorce. I could use one of those right now, but I don’t think should be Brorson (why has it taken me so long to start calling them that?? It just rolls right off the tongue), at least not yet. I love his crazy pilfering and want more of it!

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Desperate Housewives “The Story of Lucy and Jessie”
Air Date: March 15, 2009
Liveblog/recap

I’m watching the show by myself tonight. Neighbor Peggy’s got a lot of teacher-homework-business to do, so she’s missing out on the OMG 2 GURLS R GUNNA KISS episode. At ANY rate, I guess it’s all on me to make fun of the writers for using a tired, society-damaging device like a lesbian kiss to get more viewers. Let’s see if it was worth it…

9:00: The previously on shows Crazy Dave organizing his camping trip. This is one of the stories I’ve been dying to see more of. So has Edie! And Bradley! And Amy’s off to a terrible, non-hilarious start to tonight’s live blog. Will she get less funny? Stay tuned to find out.
9:03: Funny how things work out, eh? Carlos and Gaby can use Boss Bradley’s bribes to keep his cheating ways quiet to their benefit — and do all these things some would call “sinful,” and, in the end, Carlos gets Bradley’s job. What would you call that? Luck?
9:05: Edie just found out that Crazy Dave’s adorable daughter died in the same crash as his wife…and well, that he even had an adorable daughter to begin with. Want more! Want more! I want the entire show to be about Dave and Edie.
9:07: Aw, I was hoping for Lynette to stand up for herself when those two “old” 28-year-olds started rambling like Rachel McAdams in “Mean Girls” about how “old” women don’t stand a chance in the biz. Instead, all we got  was a “call my kids if you hear a gunshot”? Come on Lynette, where you at, lady???
9:08: And here’s our first opportunity to see Susan teaching — and Swoosie Kurtz! As previously reported, we knew she was going to be on the show, but we didn’t know how. Now we will…
9:10: Orson’s trying to justify his thievery to Bree. She’s not getting it. “Stealing a ceramic duck give you a thrill?” Ha! And he scoffs at the idea of talking to a psychiatrist, and says he’s not crazy. Oh, right, and Bree met you at the supermarket, was it, Orson? Right? Ooohhh, yeaaaah. Nice try, dude, but Dave’ll probably be leaving the show soon, and let’s face it: Every good awesome/trashy soap opera needs at least one crazy. You’ll take that crown from Dave, Orson.

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Desperate Housewives “Crime Doesn’t Pay”

Air date: March 8, 2009

Live blog/recap

As always, here’s the deal: Neighbor Peggy and I sit and watch the ‘wives and comment on how much better their lives could be if they’d just listen to us. This time, Neighbor Peggy’s boyfriend, Cameron, (sorta) joins us. He’s doing something on his laptop and half-listening to to the show.

Don’t forget about the winners and losers of the show! Check back later for them — and suggest some of your own if you have ‘em!

9:00: It looks like this is going to be a big Orson episode — which is a good thing. Not gonna lie, I always was kinda irritated that we just ignored his shadiness and accepted him at Bree’s husband, and five (six? Seven?) years later, here we are.
9:02: “I used  to be a dentist, remember?” Ooohh, right. Tom’s always been my favorite man on the show, and I like that he’s gettin’ spunky. And Orson just earned a new nickname by stealing the salt shaker: KleptOrson.
9:04: Susan’s wearing a see-through shirt? Actually, on second glance, it looks great on her — albeit a little too…harlotty? There’s a better word for a 44-year-old woman wearing a bra with a fishing net over it. I’m not quite sure if I can remember just what it is….oh, that’s right: COUGAR.
9:07: I can’t say I’m surprised that Bradley is making Gaby his alibi, though that’s not a fantastic position for her to be in… “I paid you thirty grand, I want to get my money’s worth.”
9:09: Orson’s doing a weird voice with the stolen salt shaker? I just keep looking a the screen and saying “WTF? No, seriously…wtf.”
9:10: Peggy comes in late with the boyfriend, Cameron, and immediately says, “What is Susan wearing?” Cameron says, “Yeah, baby!”

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Desperate Housewives “In a World Where Kings Are Employers”
Air date: Feb. 15, 2009
Live blog / recap

Aight, so here’s the deal: I usually watch with Neighbor Peggy and we toss some witty banter back and forth about the show. She can’t make it tonight, so I’m just going to have to tell Susan jokes to myself!

Check back tomorrow (Monday) for the winners and losers of tonight’s show! (And suggest some of your own if you have ‘em!)

Shall we begin?

9:00 The “previously on” showed Crazy Dave’s therapist realizing that Mike was in the band. That means we’ll get to see an altercation between them!
9:02: Uh, did Susan just tell Mike to step up and help out? Who is this woman, and what has she done with Susan?
9:03: MJ’s at Katherine’s. I sense a battle over who’s the better mom: Katherine vs, Susan. I think Katherine wins round number one. Two words: blackjack lesson.
9:06: I love how Bree’s family continues getting wealthier and wealthier as her neighbors (Lynette/Tom’s slow business and Carlos not getting a bonus) are feeling the economy. I also wish this was a made-up recession for a TV show, instead of a TV show pulling from reality.
9:09: Tom’s putting his foot down and saying he won’t close the pizza shop. We all know how THAT one’ll end: He’ll apologize to Lynette for being a jerk and they’ll close down the shop. What’re they going to do? Go back to the ad biz?
9:12: “Life is brief and mostly sucks.” Awww, it’s Edie. Foreshadowing, there? I don’t think I can watch her without thinking about what’s going to happen to her
9:13: Edie hears buzzing. Is Crazy Dave hiding a crazy vibrator?
9:14: Or a cell phone. That was my next guess.

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Desperate Housewives “The Best Thing That Ever Could Have Happened”
Air date: Jan. 18, 2009
Live blog / recap [preview]

Aight, so here’s the deal: Neighbor Peggy and I are watching the ‘wives tonight and commenting about all the events of the show. Some of them might be even witty comments. Check back tomorrow (Monday) for the winners and losers of tonight’s show! (And suggest some of your own if you have ‘em!)

Shall we begin?

8:55: I always get really excited when Ty Pennington says “Welcome home, ____ family!” This is about the time I turn on the T.V. in desperate Desperate anticipation. I start shaking my fists like a 7-year-old boy at a Spiderman movie.
8:59: Before this episode begins, I need to make a quick rant about the title. Why’d we decide on the longest, most rambling show title for the 100th episode?? “The Best Thing That Ever Could Have Happened”, guys? Seriously? It’s like the writers are stickin’ it to all the bloggers out there who just want a short title to fit in the headline spot!
9:00: Looks like we’re starting right off with Eli Scruggs….I just know his death is going to be ridiculous(ly AWESOME).
9:01: Eli has a “bum ticker”? What? Am I watching a cop drama from the ’40s? I expect he’ll call Susan a dumb broad a couple of times by the end of the show.
9:02: “I prefer to go quietly, if you know what I mean. Don’t wanna big fuss.” Ooh man. That’s just what he did. Of course he died on Susan’s roof.
9:03: Aw, serious Gaby. Serious Gaby in non-pretty clothes. Ain’t nothin’ funny or good about that.
9:05: OK, so it’s no surprise Gaby’s wearing extensions because she’s got short hair, but seerriously, them’s is some bad extensions.
9:06: Gaby in a gold dress with gold…everything else…that, my friend, is probably what she meant by “making an entrance.”
9:08: Eli’s awfully nosy in the neighborhood for someone we didn’t know existed until eight minutes ago…
9:09: Why am I about to cry with Gaby’s little confession about being lonely? She’s far too endearing when she’s being humble.
9:11: I LOVE FLASHBACK SHOWS. QUIT BEING COMMERCIALS, COMMERCIALS. That is all.
9:13: Yes! Time for the Bree flashback! REX. REX IS BACK! YES!
9:15: He wasn’t this big of an a-hole, was he? Why is Rex bein’ all “I’m the man of the house, woman”??
9:17: OK, it’s the 100th episode — so I’ll let this slide — but again: We didn’t know dude existed before the show started, and now we’re discovering he’s behind everything that ever happened on the show? Wait, is he…? Could it be…? Eli Scruggs is….Jesus Christ? On second though, nah, can’t be. Not even Jesus was this ubiquitous.
9:23: Edie! You look fantastic! Even when you’re getting bad news. But not as good as you look in…red…underpanties….(except for the Edie-anama Canal between your boobs?)
9:26: I’m not going to even get into the “I turned him gay” rant. Glad Eli’s there to be like, “listen, lady, you wish you had something to do with. Only I’m to thank for his orientation because I’m Jesus!” Ha. Just kidding.

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Desperate Housewives 5.11 “Home is the Place”
Air date: Jan. 11, 2009
Live blog / recap [preview]

Aight, so here’s the deal: Neighbor Peggy and I are watching the ‘wives tonight and commenting about all the events of the show. Some of them might be even witty comments. Check back tomorrow (Monday) for the winners and losers of tonight’s show! (And suggest some of your own if you have ‘em!)

Shall we begin?

9:00: Oh man, we’re starting right off with Crazy Dave bein’ all crazy. I especially love how Mary Alice is talking so nonchalantly about his crazy, too. “And then he went crazy. Oh, and then, and then…”
9:01: How GOOD does Edie look when Dave “bumped” into her?
9:02: Ah, here’s the beginning of the end for Mike. It just seems like he’s been out of the picture for so long, and I’ve kinda forgotten about him.
“And just like that, Dave’s dream of revenge was salvaged.” Yeessss….
9:04: Susan changes the subject from Edie and asks, “Think you can rent my house out?” translation: “Me me me, me me me, me me me.”
9:05: Katherine walked up to Mike’s house as Dave’s mowin’ the lawn. Doesn’t she look like she’s about to whip open the trench coat and flash him?
9:06: Peggy says she’s totally making the moving-to-Baltimore thing up to see what Mike says. Obviously, Mike failed that little mind-reading test.
9:06: Bree looks good! In glasses, and more relaxed? What is it about her? Is it because Melina isn’t in this episode yet?
9:07: Woah! Future son-in-law Alex took an AWESOME character turn and started yelling at Bree not to emasculate Orson because that’s how his mom used to talk his dad. Looks like someone’s script got beefed up.
9:10: Does anyone else want to see what Baby Matt Damon 1’s life is like in the nursing home? Running through the cafeteria and stealin’ all the lime Jell-O and smearing it all over the bingo boards.
9:11: Peggy and I both, at the same time, comment on Edie’s boobs. Is she wearing a bra, and if so, why is it so ineffective? She’s got a bad case of what I like to call the whale boob…you know, like how whales’ eyes are all far apart and on the sides of their heads?

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Desperate Housewives 5.11 “Home is the Place”
Air date: Jan. 4, 2009
Live blog / recap [preview]

Tonight I’m watching with Neighbor Peggy, and we’re both super, super, SUPER excited to see tonight’s episode. Check back tomorrow for the winners and losers of “Home is the Place” or nominate your own in the comments below!!

9 p.m.: Shhhh! The “previously on” is on! I’ve been waiting A WHOLE MONTH FOR THIS!!
9:01: What’d Justin say his mother’s name was? Melina Caminas…Hyenas? Is there a coincidence that both Bree and Hyenas have red hair? I’m sensing a battle between the Good Bree and the Bad Bree. I don’t think I know which one is which.
9:03 Ah! Edie Williams realty! I keep forgetting that her last name isn’t Britt anymore. Whatever. I’m still calling her Edie Britch.
9:04: What’s wrong with Dave’s face? Peggy says it looks like he stole the color from Edie’s face. Definitely not from her chest, though. Sista looks like she’s always three seconds from a terrible case of melanoma.
9:05: Peggy and I both at the same time: “Woah, Susan!” Peggy meant is as a bad “woah” to the ruh-fuffle-fuffle shoulders on Susan’s jacket. I, however, meant it as a good “woah” because her hair finally doesn’t look like a dirtier, stringier version of Kurt Cobain’s.
9:07: Ha! Lee just called Susan a drag queen! He said it, I didn’t.
9:08: “Naked people are gross,” Carlos. Some are, Carlos. Some are.
9:09: OMG! BREE AND I HAVE THE SAME IRON!!! What does this say for my homemakery abilities? Should I be able to iron like an angel now? (How do angels iron?)

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