Desperate Housewives “If It’s Only In Your Head”
Air Date: May 17, 2009
Liveblog/recap

I’m SUPER excited for tonight’s show. There’s so much going on. M.J. might get killed. Orson’s threatening Bree. Some hot girl is moving in with Carlos and Gaby. Neighbor Peggy’s back to watch the finale, and Friend Erin — who really couldn’t have cared less about the show a few months ago — is here watching, without any persuasion from me. Just doin’ my job and creating new fans every day. (On that note, I hear from my mother that my sister watches every week, too, even though she’d never admit it to me herself.) I have nothing to hide. I love “Desperate Housewives.” More than I love the show itself, I love the season premieres and finales. So quit yer jabberin’, and watch the show, Amy!

9:01: “The thing you have to understand about Dave Evans…” YES. We’re wating no time. We start with Crazy Dave, and we start with him video taping himself. “I didn’t want to kill M.J. Delfino. I had to.” Erin isn’t understanding why I think Crazy Dave is good-looking. I obviously can’t explain why. He just is.
9:02: Are we going to get a lot of M.J. in this episode? It seems likely. He’s a cute kid, I just hope he doesn’t talk/try to acft much! Yeah, yeah. Peggy’s right about him “being like 4 or something.” NO EXCUSE. Dakota Fanning has been a fantastic little actress since she was in the womb. Jus’ sayin’.
9:04: Finally. We’re seeing what happened to the doctor. It’s about time? I just don’t get how we’re supposed to buy that everyone on the show is so dense to have no brought this up earlier?
9:05: Lily Tomlin’s name just flew across the screen in the credits!!! I’m calling it right now: The Old Lady P.I.s are going to crack the entire case.
9:06: This is the FIRST time that Susan’s raising her eyebrows about Dave’s craziness. Again: Why is it fiiiiinally happening NOW?
9:07: So I heard Crazy Dave say “It’s fine, I’m just trippin’.” But he really just said “It’s fine, it’s just a trip.” I like my version better.
9:09: I wonder how much longer Gaby can keep responding to Juanita’s questions with a “because, that’s what grownups do.”
9:10: “Spend some time at the intersection of right leg and left leg?” — Karl. This is why I love him. Did I need a reason? Can we rename this show “Desperate Househusbands.” Please? They’re all soooo much more desperate than the wives. Tom? Orson? DAVE? Hellooooooo, desperation!

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And I mean BIG. As in — don’t keep reading if you don’t want to know. If you WANT to know, click here or follow the jump!

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Desperate Housewives “Marry Me a Little”
Air Date: May 10, 2009
Liveblog/recap

I may or may not have tricked Neighbor Peggy away from grading papers by saying that tonight was the season finale. At the last minute, I set the record straight, but it was too late. She was already in my apartment. On we go with the show! (Did that rhyme? …nevermind, DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES IS STARTING!)

9:01: First thought: Isn’t that an awful lot of scotch that Bree just poured for Karl?
9:02: I’m totally loving this Dick Tracy-like meeting between the two of them. Did Karl just call Bree “Freckles”?? Are we watching “Lost,” or “Desperate Housewives”?
9:03: Karl’s painting this horrible fantasy to Bree about a 20-something replacing her. I love that he knows just what to do to press the buttons of EVERY woman on this show. I love Karl. I’m just going to say it. I don’t love him as a human, of course, but as a character? Can’t get enough
9:04: Is…uh….is Crazy Dave’s collar popped??
9:06: Juanita’s really working the “I can be just as bratty as mommy” angle, isn’t she? She has also become a pretty good little actress this season, though.
9:08: So we’re still seeing The Return of Jackson: the Unlikable Version. Like reader Jamie pointed it, this probably means that he’s an expendable character.
9:09: Lynette and Tom are talking about Twitter. Is this “Desperate Housewives’” attempt to be with it and cool with what all the kids are up to these days? And Tom’s going on about how he went into an interview and was 10 years older than everyone else. This is EXACTLY what happened when Lynette tried to go back to work. Why are we reusing all these story lines? (Susan was faked-married to Karl to get health insurance, too, remember?)

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SEMI-SPOILER ALERT!

The cast of “Desperate Housewives” was caught filming at Hollywood Presbyterian Church last week. We can assume that a church = wedding, yes?

From the looks of it, Mike and Orson are the only two men who are super well-dressed. Also safe to assume that Orson’s not going to get married. Jackson’s no where in sight, and neither are Susan or Katherine. So essentially, these photos don’t help up as at all in figuring out who’s getting married. Tom looks adorable in the sneaks, though, and Tony Parker came to visit his wife on the set! All together now: Aaaaawwwwww!

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Karl and Bree robbing Bree’s house? Too good to be true! You’ve got the misogynistic beast and the frigid beauty. It’s like a Disney movie…sorta. There’s more botox/boobs jobs and fewer songs sung by Angela Landsbury in this version, though.

“Speaking of which, are you nailing Orson like we discussed? We have to make sure he doesn’t suspect anything.” — Karl.

Why did I half expect Bree to jump Karl?

Keep reading for more spoilers!

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Desperate Housewives ‘Bargaining’
Air Date: May 21, 2009
Liveblog/recap

OK, so tonight’s the night that Gale Harold/Jackson makes his triumphant return to Wisteria Lane. We know from the previews on last week’s episode that he’s going to propose, and I’m guessing it’ll be a no from Susan? Or not, who knows. Anyway, Neighbor Peggy has bailed aGAIN for DH Night, so I’m with Friend Erin (who, oddly enough, has gotten super interested in the show) and Friend From High School Jen! She’s NEVER SEEN AN EPISODE OF DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES (I know, right?), but she’s staying with me for a few days, so she has no choice this week.

Ready? Let’s go! (That reminds me of a cheer I did in high school once. Moving on…)

9:00: The “previously on” is ALL ABOUT SUSAN. And I’m OK with it. Here’s why: I love the Karl drama. And this is also the Great Return of Gale Harold. Both of those are two things that’ll make me watch a Susan-centric episode with the glee of a WoW player at a gaming convention.
9:02: Aight, I’m just going to say this: I don’t like MJ. I don’t like his acting, I don’t like his Children-of-the-Corn demeanor, and I don’t lilke his little front-flip cowlick. That is all.
9:04: Yes! Bree’s only reeeaaally Bree when she’s maneating. And man oh man, is she maneating with this divorce. I’ve MISSED this!
9:07: Uh oh, I smell an eating disorder as Juanita’s looking longingly at a cover of mom…or, you know, a terrible use of mom’s makeup. Whatever, I was close. (Or not at all?)
9:11: “Jackson, Hey. You’re back.” That’s………it? Well, she DID look really excited/happy to have dinner with him. I have a feeling she’s not as aprehensive about him returning as I first thought?
9:14: Aw, Tom’s like the overworked and underappreciated housewife, and then he OPENS HIS SHIRT and whoooa, ABS! Where have you been keeping those, Tommy?
9:15: They have some quick office sex. “That was fast,” –Erin.
9:16: Karl’s handling Bree’s divorce. It’s like the writers are giving me everything I could ever want in life. Do they know that I thrive on trashy desperateness? Gimme more! (Sorry…been listenin’ to Britney a little bit too much lately!)

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Desperate Housewives ‘Rose’s Turn’
Air Date: April 26, 2009
Liveblog/recap

OK, so things are a little bit different this week. Neighbor Peggy’s on vacation at a destination bachelorette party in Miami, so I’m joined by two new people: Friend Erin, who’s not super into Desperate Housewives but watches for moral support, and Cute Boy Ryan, who also doesn’t watch the show but is a pretty big TV nerd.

So this should be fun, yes? Let’s go!

9:03: I had some hope that Rose would let everyone know that she saw Orson, but no, she’s on the same crazy train (aaaaaallllll aboooard!) with Crazy Dave and is telling Katherine that she thinks Death came for her ….and stole her knick-knacks.

9:04: You know, as I’m watching this scene between Orson and Bree, I’m realizing it’s been a long time since we’ve had a good divorce. I could use one of those right now, but I don’t think should be Brorson (why has it taken me so long to start calling them that?? It just rolls right off the tongue), at least not yet. I love his crazy pilfering and want more of it!

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Yes, that’s right! There’s been tons of speculation about the actor’s return after a horrible motorcycle crash last year, but EW.com is reporting that Gale Harold WILL be back on the show’s May 3 episode.

“Quite frankly, I think he looks even better [than before the crash],” Marc Cherry told Entertainment Weekly.

And guess what? Apparently, Jackson will return with a “very important question for Susan — one that she’s kind of stunned by,” he said.

EW.com is speculating that his question is a marriage proposal, but I’m hoping it’s not that predictable. Cherry wouldn’t say if Gale would be around for Season 6, but it’s a possibility.

What do you think his question will be?

Image: CTV

I had the fun task this week of helping the folks at Parade.com with their five-season comprehensive quiz on the show! Click on the link to the right to take the quiz. This puppy’s 50 questions long, so it’s really going to test your knowledge of desperate housewivery. Come back after you’ve gotten all the way through it and post your score!

I’m not sure this is a huge surprise to anyone, but Neal McDonough — dude who plays Crazy Dave on the show — told Access Hollywood that he’d be the one to murder Edie.

“I had to do something nasty to my wife in the show,” he said. “I go hunting in the woods and I’m not hunting for deer.”

He also goes on to say that he might kill someone else? I mean, the target’s Mike. Think he misses and hits Edie instead of Mike?

Guesses?

Also, can we talk about how Neal seems to be the only actor saying things he probably shouldn’t be saying? Everyone else is so tight-lipped. I’m hoping he’s not getting into any trouble with Marc Cherry, but man, keep it up, Neal!

Or…maybe he’s not going to be on the show much longer and has nothing to lose? I mean, it’s safe to say that when Edie goes, there’s no place for her killer husband, right?

Image: Pacific (Neal signs autographs at the premiere of “RocknRolla” in this photo from Oct.