‘Desperate Housewives’ 5.17: ‘The story of Lucy and Jessie’

Desperate Housewives “The Story of Lucy and Jessie”
Air Date: March 15, 2009
Liveblog/recap

I’m watching the show by myself tonight. Neighbor Peggy’s got a lot of teacher-homework-business to do, so she’s missing out on the OMG 2 GURLS R GUNNA KISS episode. At ANY rate, I guess it’s all on me to make fun of the writers for using a tired, society-damaging device like a lesbian kiss to get more viewers. Let’s see if it was worth it…

9:00: The previously on shows Crazy Dave organizing his camping trip. This is one of the stories I’ve been dying to see more of. So has Edie! And Bradley! And Amy’s off to a terrible, non-hilarious start to tonight’s live blog. Will she get less funny? Stay tuned to find out.
9:03: Funny how things work out, eh? Carlos and Gaby can use Boss Bradley’s bribes to keep his cheating ways quiet to their benefit — and do all these things some would call “sinful,” and, in the end, Carlos gets Bradley’s job. What would you call that? Luck?
9:05: Edie just found out that Crazy Dave’s adorable daughter died in the same crash as his wife…and well, that he even had an adorable daughter to begin with. Want more! Want more! I want the entire show to be about Dave and Edie.
9:07: Aw, I was hoping for Lynette to stand up for herself when those two “old” 28-year-olds started rambling like Rachel McAdams in “Mean Girls” about how “old” women don’t stand a chance in the biz. Instead, all we got  was a “call my kids if you hear a gunshot”? Come on Lynette, where you at, lady???
9:08: And here’s our first opportunity to see Susan teaching — and Swoosie Kurtz! As previously reported, we knew she was going to be on the show, but we didn’t know how. Now we will…
9:10: Orson’s trying to justify his thievery to Bree. She’s not getting it. “Stealing a ceramic duck give you a thrill?” Ha! And he scoffs at the idea of talking to a psychiatrist, and says he’s not crazy. Oh, right, and Bree met you at the supermarket, was it, Orson? Right? Ooohhh, yeaaaah. Nice try, dude, but Dave’ll probably be leaving the show soon, and let’s face it: Every good awesome/trashy soap opera needs at least one crazy. You’ll take that crown from Dave, Orson.

9:12: Let’s take some bets on when the kiss is going to happen. It’s a commercial break, so I think this is the perfect opportunity for me to rant about this. I’d love to see what the ratings do for this big kiss episode. If a commercial with a little Katie Perry screaming “I kissed a girl” can attract more viewers, then I’m sad for our nation. Not gonna lie, it also makes me sad for the show’s creators, too. I, myself, just admitted that Desperate Housewives was a trashy soap opera, but I didn’t mean it was one that sinks to low levels to entice viewers. <pouts> Quit ruinin’ the integrity of my stories, DH writers! <pouts>
9:14: Yes! Swoosie’s obviously interested in Susan. Jamie called this one, didn’t he? Nice job, sir! Instead of taking bets on when they’ll kiss, I think we should take bets on what time Susan figures it out that Swoosie’s lookin’ to swooze her. I give it until 9:36 p.m.
9:16: Holy fantastic body, Swoosie! Daaaaang. I wonder if maybe Susan might actually be interested in her? This would be a good twist. I don’t think Swoosie could handle Susan’s crazy, though. Yes?
9:18: Ah! well there it is! Swoozie just planted that smooch on Susan. I, obviously, was mistaken on my 9:36 p.m. prediction. It’s safe to assume that Susan now gets what’s up, though you can never know with that smartypants.
9:19: And there THAT is. Gaby just kissed Susan.    -begin rant- Is that IT? Wait. Wait. What? Really? Seriously? Was that IT? NOW I’m angry. After all the hype, after the stories about them kissing, and Teri Hatcher saying in interviews that it was “fun” to kiss her castmate…THAT WAS IT? I’m not angry about the actual kiss. I’m angry — furious, actually — at the fact that Desperate Housewives promoters exploited the fact that two women kissed for a shameless attempt at sweeps. Here’s a thought: Let’s rely on fantastic writing, stories, character development and acting for rating, eh?    -end rant-
9:20: Lynette’s asking Gaby for help getting a job at Carlos’ company. I hope she gets it…that’ll start all sorts of inter-friendship drama.
9:21: Gaby looks fanTASTic in that red dress. The cowl at the bust…the cinching at the crotchal area. Man. I’m so happy she gave up being nice to look pretty again. Yeah, I said it.
9:22: OK, OK. Another commercial break, which means it’s time for another rant.   -begin rant- I know I just said I was thankful Gaby traded in the nice for pretty, but can we please talk about how Gaby spent the first half of this season looking “fat” and “frumpy” and now Carlos’ ex, Jackie, shows up at her doorstep looking a little, you know, chubbier than Gaby is…and she’s all of a sudden cool with them working together? Can we not teach women that everything’s OK if you’re prettier and skinnier than the competition?   -end rant-
9:26: I thought for a second I was wrong, and that Gaby might not make a comment about Jackie’s weight…and then she reminds Carlos that his type “is skinny model.” Yeah, yeah. I know! I’ve been the one hoping that she’ll go back to her old self, but can’t I have a happy medium??
9:28: …and now Gaby’s only willing to help out Lynette when it benefits her. Too bad Lynette’s not the type to even think about doing it.
9:29: HA! Bree just assumed that Mrs. McCluskey’s sleeping Mexican is Gaby’s — and then Gaby talks about how racist Mrs. McCluskey is. This makes me miss Bree’s hilarious Republican ways. We haven’t heard anything about the NRA in ages and ages!
9:30: Oh man. I can’t even describe how much I love Orson’s thievery. Not only that, but I can’t wait to see where it goes. I lied when I said I wanted this entire episode to be about Crazy Dave. I want to see the Crazy Dave and Orson Show.
9:38: YES! Swoosie’s trying to convince Susan that she’s a lesbian: “There’s a lesbian in you trying to get out.” The DH writers get some major points for Susan’s response: “Actually, I’m more worried about the lesbian outside me trying to get in.”
9:39: OK, this is a lesser rant than the kissing/chubby rants, but a rant nontheless: How’re we supposed to believe that Dave is going camping — outside — when he’s wearing that dapper three-piece suit??
9:40: This is phenomenal. Swoosie’s doing the we’re-not-actually-talking-about-what-we’re-talking-about thing in with gazelles and rhinos.
9:41: AND THERE ARE CHILDREN IN THE ROOM. YOUNG CHILDREN.
9:48: Susan tells Swoosie that she loves pity. Why am I not surprised? Good thing! I’ve got lots and lots of pity for you, Susan!
9:49: I hope we see more of Swoosie. She fits right in with all the other ladies…better than Katherine, that’s for sure. Also, let’s chat about how many times I’ve said Swoosie in this liveblog. Best. Name. Ever. Swoosie, Swoosie, Swoosie! (In other news, I think I just discovered what I’m going to name my first baby, male or female)
9:50: Aight, I’m just going to come out and say it. I regret saying I wanted the old Gaby back. She’s a jerk and a half. No. She’s two WHOLE jerks.
9:51: I’m seeing a recent, ongoing trend with the ladies’ relationships on this show. It’s the same-old “I’ll look the other way if you did a bad thing to me as long as you did the something just as bad as I did” thing. Wonder what’s going to happen when the two bad things aren’t equal?
9:57: Crazy Dave’s talking about himself as his “friend.” Edie’s finally realizing how crazy her husband is, and it’s kind of breaking my heart. I’m glad we know we’ve got limited time with Edie left — it’s making me appreciate her more.
10:00: Wait a second. I’ve seen this scene before: Bree going to a psychiatrist with her husband to find out what’s wrong with him — and denying that there’s anything wrong with herself…and then the husband complains that she’s too controlling? Ah yes. Except…his name was Rex, not Orson.